Pass The Pigs
by Warrior-Bard
This has nothing to do with the game Pass the Pigs which has been computerized and can be found at:
http://www.ultranet.com/~gkramer/PassThePigs.shtml
(special thanks to Letheia for pointing this out, all though it could very well get me fired some day - not that I play it during working hours or anything <innocent look>)
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Warrior-bard took an early morning stroll through the garden of heroes. It was always nice to start the day with a breath of fresh air, not to mention the fact that the other Debs were usually so busy staring a the statues of the various heroes that they didn't notice if they dropped any valuables. Speaking of which, he bent down to pick up a dinar at the foot of a statue of Ulysses. Oddly enough, when he stood up the statue was no longer Ulysses but a pig. "Wierd sort of irony," he thought trying to recall the tale as he continued along. A little later he came across a statue of Porkules. "That's it. Someone's playing some sort of joke." He looked up in time to see someone duck behind a statue. "Who's there?"
There was no answer, so he thought it best to go into stealth mode. He hid behind a hedge and started to make his way around to where the other figure had gone. Naturally, it was gone by the time he got there. As he pondered what to do next, he jumped seeing a statue of Iolaus turn into a statue of a pig. He spun around in tie to see the figure slip away again. "I know that's you Jackie! What are you up to."
"Stand still and I'll show you!"
After a while of playing cat and mouse, the two came face to face. "Give me that!" wb grabbed her magic staff.
"Let go, it's mine." The two fought for several minutes over the staff. "Stop it! You're going to break it."
"Good!"
"You don't understand. If it breaks..."
There was a flash of light as the staff snapped in two.
---------------------
WB regained consciousness halfway across campus. He still had half of the staff gripped tightly in his hand, which was a good thing he supposed and headed ack to the flat to hide it.
"What the...!" It looked like someone had let some sort of animal loose. "Sairah!"
There was just a grunt from Sairah's room.
"I know it's my turn to clean up, but you caused this mess you'd better chip in.
A bunch of squeals came from Sairah's room.
"Great," wb muttered, "she's got YIolaus with her." "Well he can help you clean up then," he shouted and stormed out.
Sairah ran into the common area as fast as her hooves would carry her, but didn't get there in time.
-------------------
Jackie studied the remains of the staff in her hand. "This isn't good," she said, "this isn't good." After repeating this for several minutes she finally decided it was time to bite the bullit and report this to the chancellors.
"Nanaea?" she cautiously pushed her supervisor's door open hoping she was in a good mood.
"Oink!" Nanaea grunted at her.
"No!" Jackie didn't think the effects would be great enough to effect the chancellors too.
There was a squeeling noise behind her and she turned to see a winged pig behind her. "Lady Pigasus? I mean Pegasus." She knew that she was in deeper than she'd first suspected.
Behind LP a third pig trotted up and after much effort managed to spit out a lightening bolt at her.
"OK," she thought quickly, "so they're more than just pigs and they've figured that I had something to do with this. What now?" She backed to the intercom on Nanaea's desk trying to keep an eye on the three pigs that were staring at her. "Would chancellor OmarPig please report to Nanaea's office?"
A few second later, a very angry OmarPig came into the room. Jackie dumped Nan's bowl of peeled grapes on the floor and made a run for it while the chancellors were eating them up. Being pigs it didn't take long and she soon heard a small stampede chasing her. "Just gotta make it to the conference room," she thought.
She made it to the conference room and hid behind the door until the four pigs charged in, then she ducked out, locked the doors, and activated the emergency containment system. Thankfully, Zeus had insisted that they chancellor-proof the room after their last policy meeting had gotten out of hand.
"That'll hold them for now," she thought, "but how much other damage has been done around here?"
Porkules couldn't help but laugh. Despite their predicament, the look on the Sow-vereign's face when he saw his reflection was really too much.
"I'm a pig! A pig!" he kept grunting.
"But you're such a nice pig," Ahnjune squeeled trying to calm him down.
"Where's Falafel?" someone called out creating a mild panic.
"How am I supposed to cook with these?" the chef turned pig fumbled with a spatula, but his hooves couldn't get a grip on it. "I'll never be able to cook again!'
"I think he's found the silver lining," Blueto-pig snorted.
"Is there anyone who isn't a pig?" Iolaus asked.
"For all we know all New Greeceland has been turned into pigs," Porcules said.
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Keleos and Dwind'l paused outside the conference room. This really seemed like something that the chancellors should know about, but the commotion inside made them hesitate. Plus the red warning light was flashing.
"Well, tell them."
"Nuh-uh," Kel snorted, "they'll have a cow when they find out that two CA's have tured to pigs. Besides, the warning light's on. You know the penalties for breaking the squabbling chancellor quarentine."
"But our piglets don't fit their diapers anymore and it would take a chancellor to sign for something so expensive as custom made diapers."
"I don't want to know how you know that, and they're babies not piglets."
"Have you taken a good look at them lately?"
"Stop that. We'll just have to find a level one deb to stand by with a shovel if they need tending to."
"Like any deb would take us seriously," Dwind'l snorted.
-----------------------
"You!" Wb wished he were invisible when he saw the enraged Jackie headed his way. "Where's the other half of my staff?"
"Like I'd give it to you. You and that staff are nothing but trouble."
"Do you have any idea what you've done?"
"As I recall, you started it what ever it is."
"The chancellors are pigs!"
"That sounds about right."
"No, I mean overweight quadrupeds who like to roll in the mud."
"Like I said, it was you and your staff who did anything wrong."
Jackie sighed and then hit him. "Listen, bub. If it can change the chancellors into pigs from a distance who knows what damage it's done. For all we know we may be the only humans left human in the known world."
"OK, so what do you suggest we do?"
"We've got to put my staff back together. Tell me where the other half is and then go to the library and see if there are any scrolls about staff repair."
"No way. You give me your half. I'm not trusting you with it."
"We don't have time to argue. The others will only get into trouble if left as pigs for too long. Look, it's already happening." She pointed to a pig that was trapped in a cage.
"Who do you think it is?"
"Ask it. You've been a pig enough times to learn their language."
"Stop that." WB opened the cage to let the pig out, but Jackie pushed him in. "Hey!" The pig seemed a little annoyed too.
"Now where's my staff."
"We've got bigger problems. Like those guys behind you. They're probably the ones who trapped this pig."
"I'm not going to fall for that old...," she stopped when one of the men grabbed her.
"Get another cage to put this one in," he sneered. "And someone get that pig out of there. We can't sell our barbecue without testing it first."
The other men laughed as Jackie was put into a cage and the pig taken out.
"What are you doing here?"
"Holding our barbecue fundraiser to build a shrine for Hera. Lucky for us this place is all full of pigs."
Lucky yawned and looked around. It couldn't be noon yet, nobody had brought her lunch out. Yet, it certainly looked like noon. She closed her eyes and decided to go back to sleep until someone got on the ball and brought her lunch.
Suddenly, Heidi came running up barking excidedly.
"What's that girl? Timmy fell down the well?" Heidi rolled her eyes as lucky chuckled to herself. She liked that joke.
"I said something's happened to our humans."
"I know, but not everyone is blessed enough to be born a dog."
"Not that, they've all changed."
"Into dogs?"
"No, pigs."
"Well, at least it's an improvement. Pigs don't eat kibble do they?"
"I'm not sure. Probably."
"Let's roll."
-----------------------
"I didn't come here just to be turned into a pig," tori sobbed.
"Now now, it's not all that bad." Autolycus nearly cut his lip with his hoof trying to brush his now non-existant mustache. He'd have to quit doing that.
"Can't you steal something that will change us back?"
"I don't even know what caused this," the king of squeals said defensively.
"Well, you can't blame this one on me this time," Discord snorted. She'd come to Deb U to cause trouble, not get caught up in it.
Tori and Autolycus took the opportunity to knock her into a mud puddle and trotted off together.
----------------------------
Oink-tares decided that she was better off hiding than getting involved. After all, there were certain threats made that she'd rather be avoiding.
"I'm all alone!"
She looked out of her hiding place to see a lost hunter/pig at the point of tears. Having recently watched the last few seasons of HtLJ n tape, she just had to feel sorry for him.
"Come here," she said. "You aren't alone."
"But I am! Look at me, I'm a pig!'
She nuzzled his snout to calm him down. "But we've all been turned into pigs."
"But I'm the only goat that was."
"Goat? I thought only humans were turned into pigs."
"Humans and animals who were close enough to ground zero."
"Nanook! One's getting away! Heidi, keep an eye on those over there. Let's focus, guys!"
"Hey!" Nanook barked, "if you'd help a little more tihs would be easier."
"Yeah, you know that humans are stubborn enough as humans," Heidi added.
Lucky sighed. Good help was so hard to find. "OK, new plan..."
"Heya, chief, we're here to help."
"Not you guys," Heidi growled.
"Look, it's either us or Sairah's cat," the head rat sneered. "You want word to get out that yous guys had to ask a cat fer help?"
"I must admit," Nanook said, "even as pigs our humans would be disgusted enough of them."
"If we're going to get help from bizarre places I'd prefer the EA's," Lucky growled.
"We's got inside info that them's ain't gonna be commin' along here in the near future. It's us or it's nothin'."
The three dogs sighed and
decided to take what help they could get.
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"This is all your fault."
"My fault!"
"You and that stupid staff. You explain this to the chancellors."
"I can't. They're pigs."
The two watched as the pig slowly roasted in front of them.
"Who do you think it was?"
"I don't know."
"Boy, that was a bad one." The two jumped at the sound nearly hitting their heads on their cages.
"Feonix? What are you doing here?"
"Usual bit. Die, go into the fire, come back. Not a bad gig except for that dying bit," the former pig said steppig out of the fire. "And I'll tell you, sou far as deaths go this had to be one of the worse I've been through. What are you staring at?"
Jackie blushed and fumbled for an answer.
"One of the properties of her staff," wb started, "is that you sort of come back naked."
Feonix paused to consider this and then got a cloak that one of Hera's goons had left.
"Look," Jackie said,
"let us out of here so that I can fix my staff and get
things turned around."
"You aren't getting your staff again."
"Well, I'm not letting you have it."
"Stop this or I won't let either of you loose," Feonix demanded. "Tell me where the staff is and I'll go get it while you guys look in the staff repair manuals in the library." The others finally agreed and he let them out.
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"Put me down, you oaf!"
"Hey, a talking pig," one of Hera's goons said.
"I'm more than just a pig. I'm the god of war." Ares tried to squirm out of the goons hands.
"I'm going to keep this one. It talks."
"When I get my old body back I'll show you what all I can do," Ares threatened.
"This isn't funny," Gabrielle grunted to Xena in their hiding place.
"Yes it is," Xena snorted.
"But we've got to do something. And how can he talk?"
"He's a god, they can probably still talk, but have lost the rest of their powers it would seem." She pictured Ares as a sideshow exhibit and started into another burst of pig squealing/laughter.
"In the meantime the'll be eating the rest of us if they catch us," Gabrielle reminded her.
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