The
Maurice Chronicles - 1
From: (*Maurice*)
Date: 5 Mar 1999 13:01:06
PREFACE
Let it be known, dear friends, that the tale you are about to
read is of the purest truth and never has a truer tale been told.
Many have tried to spread doubt upon the veracity of the words
which you are about to read; especially those bipedal types who
fail to recognize a superior species when they see it! - but I
digress. Let us just conclude by saying that history repeats
itself, so you had all better be prepared to be nicer to me in
the future.
Maurice
----------
CHAPTER I - In which it is seen that deviousness in the wrong
hands can have dangerous results
Hephestus wiped his brow as he surveyed his latest work. So far
so good. Of course, if Poseidon would take better care of his
tridents this would be unnecessary, but the work was cheaper than
a membership at a gym. In the silence that now hung over the
forge he was able to hear the movements coming from the back room
for the first time.
He had had specific orders from Zeus not to let anyone in there
and yet somebody was there. He fumbled about for the keys as he
walked to the door. When he opened it, LadyPegasus slipped a pair
of handcuffs on his wrist and gave him a long kiss. She slipped
the key ring out of his fingers while he was distracted.
"You're not supposed to be back there," he stammered
when he recovered.
"But I only wanted to have a little fun," she smiled
dangling a chain in front of his face, "come here, you."
"That's precisely what dad doesn't want to happen. I'm the
only one who's allowed to use this stuff and that's only with his
permission."
"So, come and use it," she sighed.
"Not that kind of use. Give me the keys."
"Don't you have a spare set?" she smiled coyly as she
spun the key ring on her finger.
"No."
"Surely, the blacksmith of the gods doesn't need a key to
get out of his own chains. You did make them."
"Well, if I had my tools I could cut through them." He
looked back at his work bench.
LP walked her fingers up his chest. "But without your tools
or the keys you are as helpless as any mortal?"
"Yes. Look just give me the keys before-"
LP, or what had looked like LP changed into Hercules. "That's
all I wanted to know." Hephestus found himself being carried
against his will to a cage and locked up.
"You aren't Hercules or LadyP."
"How perspective," the intruder said going back to the
store room. She looked around. Yes, there was enough stuff here
to insure revenge.
The Maurice Chronicles - 2
From: (*Maurice*)
Date: 12 Mar 1999 04:07:02
CHAPTER II - Proof, as if any were needed, that a rat's life is
by far the least troublesome
I was minding my own business, working the crossword puzzle of a
stolen newspaper, when a fellow rat ran into the room.
"Nanny and Toly sitting in a tree!"
That was simple rat code for chancellor Nanaea and Autolycus were
at it again. Now, we rats aren't into voyeurism or anything like
that; it's just that with Deb U being the way it is somebody has
to be around to call for medical help when it's needed. That's
our story and we're sticking to it. Anyhow, the crawl space
behind Nanaea's wall was crowded and I was lucky to get a
peephole.
"Have we missed anything?" a late comer asked.
"Just the basic flirtations. Wait, he's gotten some chains
out."
I peered through the peephole to see Nanaea being bound, but not
by Autolycus. "Hey, guys," I said, "I thought you
said it was Autolycus."
"It is."
I looked again. There was Nanaea, but it was some bizarre
creature chaining her up. "That ain't Toly."
"You been drinkin' again, Maurice?"
"No, I'm just saying that that isn't Autolycus."
"Then who is it?"
"I don't know. I've never seen it before."
"Oh great!" one of the others said looking through a
hole, "they're gone."
"Way to go, Maurice. We gots to find them if we're gonna see
anything."
"But that wasn't...,"
"OK, guys," the boss rat said, "Maurice is
obviously delusional. Get him."
"Wait!" It was too late. My fellow rats, blinded by
whatever spell was blinding the chancellors, grabbed me and
proceeded to take me to the boss.
Now, as I type this the boss is reading over my shoulder and
denying that he is our boss, but he is. Any blame should be
placed on him.
------------------------
While I was being so rudely taken away, Alternate Nebula was
paying a little visit to chancellor OmarSnake. Only it wasn't
really Alternate Nebula, but if I'd been around to say anything
I'd have been called delusional and taken away. That's gratitude
for you..
"Halt! Who goes there?" Omar cried out knowing full
well by the technique used by which the whip wrapped around his
waist who it was, or rather who he thought it was.
"Who else?" the creature asked dangling a pair of
handcuffs before his eyes. He stared as if hypnotized as the
expectations of what was to come raced through his mind. She made
sure his hands were secure the slung him over a shoulder and
proceeded to carry him away.
"Where are we going? Wait, don't tell me, I like surprises.
But it's going to be fun isn't it? The torture chamber's
downstairs, dear. Oh, the tower, I've been meaning to see if
there was anything interesting up here." He chattered on
until they reached the top and he was thrown into a room with
other bound chancellors and debs. "Oh, a group thing."
He looked about glad that there were more amazons then hunters on
campus.
The imposter Alternate Nebula slammed the door and they could
hear her walking back down the stairs.
"Hey! Where you goin', babe? Must be getting some more
people. We'll jsut get started while you're gone." He looked
expectantly at the others who just rolled their eyes.
------------------------------
"Where's the boss?"
"Aighhhhh!"
There was a flurry of activity as Sairah tried to beat us with
her war staff. When she was tired we peaked out of our various
hiding places.
"Where's the boss?" the boss rat repeated.
"You guys are supposed to stay out of here. Your boss told
you to."
"But this is important. Maurice is delusional."
"I am not!" I protested, "there's a creature
kidnapping people on campus."
"It's the shock therapy," another rat sighed, "it's
finally getting to him."
"Shock therapy?"
"There were a few cables in our way and somebody had to chew
through them. He got the short straw."
"Does this have anything to do with the power outages we've
been having?"
"Hey, let's not be dwelling on the past here. We've got to
get the boss to talk some sense into Maurice."
"He's not here," Sairah said. She had recovered her
breath and was reaching for her staff when the creature walked in
the room. This thing really gets around.
"It's here!" I screamed in warning. My brother rats
responded by pouncing on me.
"Don't cal YIolaus a creature," Sairah hissed. She
would have knocked us all into the next county, but the creature
grabbed her. "Darling, this is hardly the time. We've got
rats watching us."
The creature proceeded to tie her up. "There are rats all
over this place, but I'm going to take care of all of you."
"See?" I said after they were gone. "I told you."
"What? That's more or less normal behaviour around here."
"Hey! Look what I found." We rushed over to where one
of us had found a blank promotion request form and a bottle of
chloroform. "I think I know where the boss is."
The Maurice Chronicles - 3
From: (*Maurice*)
Date: 12 Mar 1999 09:08:38
CHAPTER III - In which, despite all my valiant efforts, the
denizens of the university teetered all the more unsteadily on
the brink of doom
The chancellors' playroom is anything but a playhouse for those
who get dragged down there. Lining with large stones to keep the
unfortunates from tunneling out did not prevent a rat sized body
from being able to tunnel in. Not that we'd want to - that place
is scary, and yet my fellow rats insisted on dragging me down
there.
"Is da coast clear?"
"Looks like it. Where's da boss?"
"Chained to da wall. You goes gets da key." A rat ran
to where the key was hanging while the boss rat sniffed at a
frayed whip lying on the floor. "Still fresh. We's got about
five minutes before Asty gets back."
"Got da key! Come on."
"Ooooo, you don't look so good, boss," the boss rat
said as they lowered wb to the ground, "bring the iodine,
boys."
"Not the iodine," wb muttered "Aighhhhhhh!"
-----------------------------
Asty looked up from coiling her new whip as she descended the
stairs. "Aigggghhhhh!" There it was again. First her
whip breaks and now somebody's playing with her hunter. She
picked up the pace.
"Have you got a license for that whip, ma'am?"
Iolaus stepped out of the shadows.
"Well, hello," she said forgetting her earlier
annoyance.
"Or am I going to have to take you aside and grill you,"
Iolaus said producing a pair of handcuffs.
"A little good cop - naughty cop," Asty said holding
her hands out. "You'll be frisking me won't you?"
Now, I know some of you humans are a little slow, so I'll point
out for those of you who haven't quite caught on yet that this
wasn't the real Iolaus. Asty felt her powers drain away as the
Hephestian bonds gripped her wrists.
"What's going on here?" she asked getting a little
nervous.
"You don't remember me? Of course, none of the others did
either. It's so sad not to be remembered, at least while there is
someone around to remember you. If all your past acquaintances
are dead then it's not so bad if nobody remembers you. So guess
what I'm going to do to make everything better."
"Tell me your name so I remember you?"
"Wrong."
------------------------------------
"Hey, Perfesser!"
"That's Professor," Cathbad said.
"Whatever. We need you to clear up a question. Feonix says
that calling someone a snivelling twit is a better taunt than
insulting their manhood," Khanman said.
"That's not what I said. I said that if you insult someone's
manhood it's always better if you lead in with something to the
effect of, 'Listen, you snivelling twit,'"
"No, a really good tauntologist doesn't need a lead in when
questioning somebody's manhood."
"But it's two taunts for the price of one. What are you
doing?"
Cathbad was ignoring the two and taking flyers down from bulletin
boards. "Nothing. You're both wrong. Go to your rooms and
reread chapter four of your tauntology textbook."
Khanman took a flyer that Cathbad hadn't gotten to yet. "Attention,
hunters, warrior princess in distress..."
"Give me that," Cathbad said grabbing the flyer from
him and dropping the ones he held.
Feonix picked one up. "The chancellors have challenged me to
a debauching contest," he read, "and I need some
practice time. Whichever hunter finds the most interesting way to
tie himself up will get to be my practice subject."
"This is a forgery," Cathbad insisted, "It's all a
plot by Hera. I'm taking them down to protect the hunters."
It was obvious that the other two weren't buying his claims.
"Every man for himself!" He made a run for the shackle
shack with the other two in close pursuit.
----------------------------
"Chains of love? I like the sounds of that," Usagi
grinned, "you want to model some for me?"
"Men don't wear these, women do," the fake Cupid told
her.
"Hmmmmm... I like my version better."
"No, they put these on and the man of their dreams is
guaranteed to come and rescue them."
"But I don't need that. I've got you."
"That's one of the great features of them," the
imposter said chaining her up. "If you've already won the
afection of the man of your dreams then nobody else will try to
rescue you." There was a pause for a few minutes and sure
enough nobody else came and tried to rescue her. "Now, if I
could have a volunteer to show what happens if you haven't met
the man of your dreams yet..." There was a rush from the
watching amazons to volunteer. "This will work too. Watch,
no matter how many of you I chain up their will be no shortage of
men of your dreams to come."
While they waited for the men of their dreams to come, the fake
Cupid busied itself linking their bonds together to make it
easier to lead them away to the holding tank.
The Maurice Chronicles - 4
From: (*Maurice*)
Date: 12 Mar 1999 13:18:06
CHAPTER IV - In which it is proven that a rat on the loose is
worth a pack in the cage
Seconds passed like hours as we heard Asty being led away. We
later found out that it was hours and Percy's watch was running
slow.
"Are you guys all right?"
"Boss!" The others all ran up and hugged the ankles of
the creature whom they thought was the boss.
"Com'on Maurice."
"But that's not... never mind."
"There's no time to lose. In here quick." The creature
produced a small cage that certain barbaric species use when they
enslave us rats as their pets and the others rushed to get into
it.
"That's not the boss. Look! He's still passed out in the
corner."
They stared dumbfounded as for once I had proof of what I'd been
warning of. But the door of the cage was shut on them before they
could react.
"We're trapped like rats!"
"Good one, Bertram."
The creature, picked the boss up and carried him away with the
others. I knew that if this thing was smart enough to trap rats
then it must have fooled all of the Debs into its little web of
deceipt and it would be up to me to stop it.
------------------------
The last of the captives were deposited in the tower and the
creature gave an evil leer at the collective inhabitants of Deb U
who sat helplessly before it before leaving the room for the last
time and making sure the door was secure.
Down on the next floor the creature started sorting through boxes
of explosives that had been stored there for just this purpose -
the purpose of revenge. After years of sneaking extra
requisitions into the out box it was finally time for payback.
------------------------
Meanwhile, I was quickly scanning through the notes I'd taken
while sitting in on the science courses. Somebody had to pay
attention while the students were all making googly eyes at each
other.
Yes, it was beginning to make sense. How exactly it had taken
place was still a mystery, but this was the only explanation for
the creatures abilities. Which means, I did some quick
calculations, yes, conservation of mass. That just might work.
I rushed off to set up.
------------------------
Meanwhile, up in the tower, the prisoners wriggled helplessly
aware that they were trussed up to much to even enjoy the
advantages of being trussed up one last time.
The Maurice Chronicles - 5
From: (*Maurice*)
Date: 14 Mar 1999 11:40:11
CHAPTER V - Whereas no amount of super powers can outdo the
determination of a well educated rat
The changeling hummed 'Mairzy Dotes and Dozey Dotes' as it made
the final connections to the detonator. Soon, yes very soon, Deb
U would be reduced to a crater. The crater would be filled with
cement. The cement would be paved over and made into a parking
lot for a McFalafels. A fitting end to such a horrible institute.
"Pthpththpth!"
Nothing annoys an evil genius more than being sassed by a rat and
soon the chase was on accompanied with the appropriate campy Xena
chase music. It all ended with me, cornered like a rat, in the
labs.
"Did you really think you could escape my revenge?"
"You keep talking about revenge. What's up with that?"
"Years ago, I was a beautiful young debutante-,"
"You mean Deb-U-Taunt?"
"No, debutante. Mumsy and dadsy decided to send me to a
proper finishing school and came across one of the deceptive
advertisements for this place. I was enrolled in the first class."
"If they wanted you finished, they sent you to the right
place."
"That's not what they wanted. They wanted me to be trained
as a proper debutante. But, instead, I became a prisoner in a nut
case that tried to raise debauchers. It was too much for a proper
lady to take and I went into shock. Thinking I was dead, the
chancellors tried to hide my body in the catacombs under the
university. I've been there ever since."
"Time out! The university has moved around two or three
times since it opened. Are you saying they dragged your sorry
carcass about with it?"
"They didn't want anyone finding out the truth. Needless to
say, the only food or water I got was the refuse that was dumped
out from various science projects and leaked through the pipes."
"Time out again. For that to happen would mean that the
chancellors cut costs instead of installing proper filters in the
drainage system. Are you trying to tell me that to save a couple
of dinars they would... wait, never mind."
"Soon, these toxic mutating chemicals gave me the ability to
change my shape. I took advantage to spy on them until I knew all
their weaknesses. Now that I've got them helpless I'm going to
blow up the campus."
"I saw that episode of Buffy. Oz eats your character."
"Argghhhhhh! Sunnydale U. is going next."
I scampered up onto a countertop to escape the various objects
thrown at me. "But you never counted on my being able to see
the real you. A little electricity goes a long way."
"Yes, apparently the shock warped the lenses of your eyes so
that you can see the real me."
"Actually, i can see both of you. It's like your real form
overlapped on your assumed form. It's very disturbing." I
scampered up onto a shelf to avoid further thrown objects.
"You shall die along with the rest."
"Could you do me a favour? Change to a rat first."
"Why should I?"
"To let your worthy adversary die happy. We don't get any
female rats around here. The amazons chase them all off so they
can't get to the heroes." The changeling disappeared and
very soon a very atractive female rat climbed up on the shelf.
"That's just lovely. None of them amazon rats or bachae rats.
Just a nice lovely..."
She grinned evilly and grew claws and fangs. "Such a fitting
end for you my friend." I ran to the other end of the shelf
and she followed, as I had planned. About midway across the shelf
gave an ominous creaking noise.
"Conservation of mass," I cried as she looked about
confused, "you're rat sized, but still way as much as a
human." Even as I explained it, the shelf broke and she fell
into a mason jar that I had previously set there. Grabbing the
lid, I jumped down and sealed her in.
-----------------------
EPILOGUE
I chewed through the wires to the bomb and then ran to
Hephaestus' workshop to set him free so he could let the others
loose. Quite a trip for a rat, and no thanks or parades or
anything for saving everyone.
Needless to say, the chancellors saw to it that the changeling
mysteriously disappeared so that there would be no evidence of
their past misdeeds and within a week things were as normal as
they could get at Deb U.
By the way, when are we rats ever going to get promoted? We get
better grades than the rest of you.
