Hoolieology 101

by guest lecturer, Professor Lucky The Wonder Dog.

“Greetings Deb U students! It has come to my attention that many of you are badly in need of instruction in basic Hoolie Techniques as well as that oft neglected subject of Hoolie Etiquette. These will be the subjects covered in today’s lecture. My assistants today will be, Maurice, Bertram, Percy and Roberta. Please pay close attention to both their proper technique and etiquette during the demonstration portion of the lecture.”

“First a brief overview of today’s subject. In times past Hoolies were a carefully controlled form of aggression employed by you humans to relieve tensions and stress brought on by your tendency to fight over next to nothing. Ms. Moo, The Hoolie Queen was put in charge of this exercise by TPTB and was the one person who could give permission for a sanctioned Hoolie.
Permission was granted after the usual debasing petitions and bribes were forwarded to her. Unfortunately, she is no longer associated with Deb U and so Hoolies have become a less regulated more free form type of behavior. This lecture and demonstration is an attempt to return you wayward humans to the more pure art form previously practiced.”

“Please note the protective garment each rat is wearing. These are standard issue Deb U yellow
rain slickers with wide-brimmed hats. While they are not mandatory they are advisable unless of
course you have unlimited access to the Deb U Laundromat or your mother really doesn’t mind you sending home dirty laundry with week old deposits of chocolate pudding, whipped cream and other assorted standard hoolie ammunition imbedded in the fibers. There are those who also disdain using protective clothing because it cuts down on the stealth factor. You will note that not only is the color highly visible but the plastic material tends to crackle and make other audible noises when you move about. And believe me in a Hoolie you WILL be moving about!”

“The next subject we will address is weaponry. Hoolie weapons differ from standard weapons only in that they deliver non lethal rounds of ammunition. Our rat models are armed with several different examples of these weapons and will each give a brief demonstration of their effectiveness and fire power.”

“Bertram is holding a Super-Soaker model number 0666. This weapon has been modified to fire a large number of different liquid to semi-solid substances. Anything from grape juice to partially set jello, to chocolate pudding can be fired with speed, accuracy and distance with this weapon.”

“Maurice has opted for airborne equipment. Note the custard and strawberry syrup filled balloons tied to his belt. These are especially useful if you can manage to gain and control a position on an upper floor balcony. Throwing them upward from a lower position is not advisable since they usually land on your own head.”

“Percy has chosen a Port-A-Pie rack as his weapon of choice. These are available from Sal’s Hoolie Weapon Catalog and retail for $19.95 plus postage and handling. Pies are one of the oldest and most the traditional Hoolie weapons.”

“Roberta is using the very practical and quite pretty Deb U standard issue Wonder Bra sling to fire M &Ms at her Hoolie opponents. Please note the wrist action that is involved. This weapon is not recommended for beginners or first time Hooliers. Some practice will be necessary to master the technique.”

“Are there any questions? If not, we will now take a 15 minute kibble and fire hydrant break.”


Hoolieology Lecture Part II

“Thank you for returning so promptly, class. We will now move on to a demonstration of an actual Hoolie using common Hoolie weapons and most importantly, using proper Hoolie Etiquette.”

“Observe! Percy, in Stealth Mode, (without rain slicker) is quietly approaching Bertram’s hidden
position behind the side table. He shields himself behind the podium and selects a cream pie from his Port-a-Pie Rack. Bertram, suspecting an attack charges up his super-soaker with chocolate pudding. Meanwhile, Maurice has climbed to the top of the podium and losens one of his jello filled balloons from his belt. Roberta, concealed behind the water pitcher, readies her sling by loading the M & Ms in the cup. Percy fires first, tossing the pie at Bertram who was aiming the super-soaker at him. A split second later Maurice lets go of the jello filled balloon and declares loudly, “SPLAT!” The Jello balloon scores a direct hit on Percy’s head.

“Missed me!” Bertram, declares.

“Now class how do we know that Maurice hit his target and that Percy missed?" Professor Lucky asked as she walked to the chalk board. When no answer was forthcoming from the class she continued, “We know because Maurice declared a SPLAT!” She answered rhetorically, and wrote the word on the chalkboard. “SPLAT is the official Hoolie word for a hit. It may only be used by the shooter when they score a legitimate hit. Percy, you will notice, did not declare a SPLAT and therefore we must assume the pie missed. Now to continue with the action, notice that Bertram was able to dodge the pie thrown at him but in doing so his supersoaker which had been trained on Maurice was knocked at an angle and has sprayed Roberta with chocolate pudding .”

“SPLAT!” Bertram shouted, a little embarrassed to have to be reminded to call his shot.

“Roberta,” Lucky continued, “Was aiming her sling at Percy but the chocolate pudding obscured her vision and I believe she hit me in the leg.” The professor said as she rubbed a small chocolate welt on her hind leg.

“OH! SPLAT!” Roberta said, and followed it up with, “I’m sorry Professor!”

“No damage done,” Lucky remarked as she, removed one of the pies from Percy’s rack and dumped it on Roberta’s head. “SPLAT!” She giggled. “I love Hoolies!”

“We’re almost finished, class just a few cautions to pass on to you and you will easily be able to take your place in any Deb U Hoolie.”

“First: The shooter calls the shot. If it is a SPLAT the person splatted is hit.”

“Second: It is the worst possible Hoolie Etiquette, to claim a miss if you have been fairly splatted.”

“Third: It should be considered “wimping out” if a person invokes the help of one of the gods or heroes to avoid and already called SPLAT.”

“Fourth: Never leave a Hoolie mad. If you unintentionally hit a non-combatant, apologize. And be prepared to take a retaliatory shot from that person. Follow these simple rules and misunderstanding will be kept to a minimum. Most of all have fun with your Hoolies. That is what they are for. Never, never take anything seriously that happens in a Hoolie.”

“Thank you for your attention, Class dismissed.”

L:tWD