Forum Family Wanders.... abridged

From: (DIANAC)

Date: 19 Jul 1996 20:09:56

WARNING: THIS IS LONG... EVEN LONGER IN HERCULES FORUM...

Taken From Herkdom - without permission...

To Whom would I "post" my request to "post" it here in Xenaverse ?! { : ] )}

Some threads were lost on the editing room floor... for the full blown version please check out the HERCULES FORUM ( I hope our brothers and sisters in Herkdom do not mind this repost... just wanted to share it with you here!) (also... I've never posted anything so LARGE before... I guess you could call it a PARODY OF EPIC SCALE!) : )

Presented in Two Chunks ( this "chunk" parts 1 - 4)

The Forum Family Wanders in Greece!

From: (Astraea)
Date: 18 Jul 1996 10:05:06

SCENE: The exterior of a building. The sign on the building reads "Salmoneous' Detox Center" and the one and only Salmoneous stands at the front door.

Astraea appears and walks toward the front door of the center.

SAL: How may I help you?
AST: I have a question. Do you have a patient here named Robinsnest?

SAL: Yes. She is our only patient at the moment. Ambrosia addiction is very rare with mortals since only the gods have access to ambrosia. I can't imagine where she would have gotten her hands on any of it.

On Mt. Olympus, HEBEA laughs wickedly.

AST: Do you have regular visiting hours here?
SAL: I'm afraid that there are no visiting hours for addicted patients. She is in isolation because of her delusional state.
AST: <sighs> Thank you for your help.

Astraea then wanders around to the back of the building and spots the guard, Falafel.

AST: Who are you, sir?
FAL: Falafel is my name.
AST: <looks amazed> Oh my, not the famous Falafel of Falafel's Taco Stands?
FAL: <blushing> Yes, m'lady.
AST: <whispering> Did you know that Salmoneous is around front selling franchises for your Taco Stands?

Falafel takes off running toward the front of the building. Astraea is about to break in the building when she sees two bards walking in her direction. Hiding her tools behind her back, she turns toward the bards.

AST: <smiling> Gentlemen, how may I be of service?
CATHBAD: We are searching for two goddesses.
DEMOCRATUS: Nanaea and Hebea.
CATH: They promised us leather, whips, chains... <he breaks off with a glazed look on his face>
AST: You need the "Gateway to the Gods." Ask for KIRYOUS.

After thanking Astraea fervently, the two bards strike off for the gateway.

Astraea turns back to the door, muttering to herself.

AST: I have to break her out or I may spend eternity in Tartarus...

The Forum Family Wanders...Pt. 2

From: (Astraea)
Date: 18 Jul 1996 11:53:01

SCENE: The back door of Sal's Detox Center. Astraea is still trying to break into the building.

AST: Who did he buy this lock from, Hephaestus?

She hears shouts, and then the two bards round the corner of the building heading straight for her. She tucks her tools away. (Tight bodices do come in handy sometimes!)

AST: Gentlemen, gentlemen, what's the problem?
CATH: We didn't have the dinars for entry at the gateway. Kiryous turned the hound of hell loose on us!
DEMO: We must see the goddesses Nanaea and Hebea! We must! <the glazed look returns to his face>
AST: Okay, already!

Astraea rolls her eyes, and mutters, "I really have to talk to those wild, and wanton goddesses about this..."

AST: I will help you gain entrance to the gateway if you will do me a favor.
CATH & DEMO: Anything!
AST: Keep Salmoneous and Falafel busy while I break into this center.

Cathbad and Democratus join Salmoneous and Falafel at the front of the center, and proceed to entertain Sal and Fal with their latest Xena parody. Astraea returns to her task. Finally she opens the lock and slips into the center.

AST: <whispering> Robinsnest! Robinsnest, where are you?
RBNT: <shouting at the top of her lungs> HELP!
AST: Shuuuussh! Do you want Sal to hear you?

Following the sound of Robinsnest's voice, Astraea locates her room. Entering the room she finds piles of clothing everywhere. It all looks strangely similar. Small bits of blue cloth, multi-colored vests, etc. Astraea begins to sift through the piles frantically.

RBNT: What are you doing?
AST: Do you know what you have done to me? Not only did you disrupt my evening with Iolaus, but you stole Hades' Helmet of Invisibility! Do you know how crazed the man is about that helmet? Xena warned me, but would I listen? No, of course not. I'm a goddess, I said. He can't harm a goddess, especially his niece. Now I'm going to spend eternity following that three-headed dog around with a pooper-scooper. Always listen to the warrior princess!

RBNT: Are you going to help me get out of here?
AST: Sure, just help me find that helmet.

Astraea and Robinsnest search through the piles of blue speedos on the floor. Meantime, Hebea joins the crowd at the front door. Cathbad and Democratus fall to the ground before her.

CATH & DEMO: Whip us, Goddess Hebea! Whip us for we have been baaad!

HEB: Guys, I don't have time for this now. That Goddess of Justice is trying to free Robinsnest. I can't let that happen again.
CATH & DEMO: Please whip us, beat us, torment us!

Hebea glances down at the two bards for a moment. Then she smiles and walks over their backs to the door.

CATH & DEMO: Thank you, lovely Goddess! More, more...
HEB: Talk to Nanaea. She's much better at this torture and abuse than I am.

NANAEA appears behind her and makes a face. She has her arms wrapped around Iolaus. He looks totally exhausted.

NAN: Talking about me again, Hebea?

Hebea whips around (no, boys, not that whip! Calm down!) and confronts Nanaea. She is stunned to see Iolaus with Nanaea, and she rushes forward trying to snatch him away.

CATH & DEMO: Hoolie! Hoolie! Hoolie!

The Forum Family Wanders...Pt. 2 ***cont.***

From: (cathbad)
Date: 18 Jul 1996 12:15:52

(Astraea) writes:
SCENE: The back door of Sal's Detox Center. Astraea is still trying to break into the building.

AST: I will help you gain entrance to the gateway if you will do me a favor.
CATH & DEMO: Anything!
AST: Keep Salmoneous and Falafel busy while I break into this center.

Cathbad and Democratus join Salmoneous and Falafel at the front of the center, and proceed to entertain Sal and Fal with their latest Xena parody. Astraea returns to her task. Finally she opens the lock and slips into the center.

{what was edited}

DEMO and CATH speak rapidly to SAL and FAL.
DEMO and CATHBAD laugh uproariously.

FAL: What is so funny? Would you like a taco?
CATH: I knew he'd be too stupid to understand.
DEMO: Well, he's never _been_ on Xena.
CATH: Neither have I but I've tr....
SAL: Ha! Yes, gentlemen, I begin to see the point. (Not to mention the profits.) Your satire is very good and ... (looks at the scroll DEMO is holding) may I?

DEMO hands him the parody scroll.

SAL: Yes. But of course you have me in there, so you'll have to pay me something. Xena, too. And who is this Black Knight fellow? Nice hand writing ....
CATH: Un, Salmoneous, we're wandering bards. We're hard up.
SAL: I can see that. In more ways than one ...

{original footage has now been restored}
Meantime, Hebea joins the crowd at the front door. Cathbad and Democratus fall to the ground before her.

CATH & DEMO: Whip us, Goddess Hebea! Whip us for we have been baaad!
HEB: Guys, I don't have time for this now. That Goddess of Justice is trying to free Robinsnest. I can't let that happen again.
CATH & DEMO: Please whip us, beat us, torment us!

Hebea glances down at the two bards for a moment. Then she smiles and walks over their backs to the door.

CATH & DEMO: Thank you, lovely Goddess! More, more...
HEB: Talk to Nanaea. She's much better at this torture and abuse than I am.

The Forum Family Wanders...Pt. 2 ***cont***

From: (robinsnest)
Date: 18 Jul 1996 13:11:06

LOL
As the beatings take place outside Astrea and robinsnest franticly search through the pile of blue speedo thingys, vest and occasional woven leather pants.
RN: I know it's here somewhere, Iolaus used it just the other night.

Ast: stop talking and look for it.........Pllllleeeassse, you don't know what kind of trouble I will be in if I don't find it.
RN: Like I care what type of trouble you are in??? Hebea locked me in here weeks ago. The food is horrible...tacos or something with goats milk milkshakes, whatever those are. And then there is this stupid Self Actualzation class where I have to humm until I find my "inner" self.
Ast: Okay, it was evil of Hebea to do this to you, will you help???
RN: Yes, but ONLY if it means I can get out of here and be amoung the rest of the Iolausians.
Ast: Yes, I, will get you out.
RN: ok the helmet is...............................
***********************************************************************

if you want to know you must promise to never lock me away again and I will tell you where it is.

The Forum Family Wanders...Pt. 2 ***cont***

From: (Astraea)
Date: 18 Jul 1996 14:44:33

(robinsnest) writes:

AST: I promise that you will never be locked away again. <Astraea crosses her fingers behind her back> <muttering to herself> Mess with me, lady, and I will tell Sal that you need a few more sessions of his "inner flower" lecture...
RBNT: What was that?
AST: Just talking to Daddy...

The Forum Family Wanders...Pt. 2 ***cont***

From: (Hebea)
Date: 18 Jul 1996 16:47:53

Hebea whips around (no, boys, not that whip! Calm down!) and confronts Nanaea. She is stunned to see Iolaus with Nanaea, and she rushes forward trying to snatch him away.

CATH & DEMO: Hoolie! Hoolie! Hoolie!

Hebea stares intently at "Iolaus"...slowly the stunned look is replaced with a knowing grin.
Hebea: "Oh Goddess Nanaea" she laughs "You really need to get those glasses!"
Hebea turns from Goddess Nanaea and King Orestes and rushes thru the front doors of the Sanitarium, pushing past the begging, prostrate Bards!
Hebea: "Outta my way! I've got to stop Astraea before she free's that poor befuddled Roninsnest!"

The Forum Family Wanders...Pt. 3

From: (Astraea)
Date: 18 Jul 1996 13:24:58

SCENE: The front door of Sal's Detox Center. (I know, I know! This is a very low budget parody...) Hebea is about to snatch Iolaus from Nanaea.

HEB: Give him to me!
NAN: No way, he's mine!

Nanaea backs away from the advancing Hebea. To advance, Hebea must walk over the two prostrate bards again. This is met with sighs of satisfaction from the aforementioned bards...

CATH & DEMO: Oh, yes, again...

Before Hebea can reach Nanaea and Iolaus, they are suddenly surrounded by a crowd of chanting Iolausians. CEALLACH, KIRBY, TERPSICHORE, ISHTAR, and CALLISTO are in this crowd.

HCNBIFs: IIEE! IIEE! IIEE!!!!

The crowd converges on Nanaea, Hebea, and poor Iolaus. While the group is otherwise engaged, Astraea and Robinsnest make their escape. Hearing all the noise in the front, they decide to investigate.

AST: <sighs> Not the chant again...poor Iolaus.
RBNT: Iolaus? Iolaus?

Robinsnest succumbs to temptation and joins the rest of the Iolausians in the ongoing hoolie. Unbeknownst to the crowd, Nanaea has found her way out of the hoolie, and is leading Iolaus away. The two bards jump to their feet and follow her.

CATH & DEMO: <loudly> Please, Mystress of Myths, we must be punished!
NAN: Not again! I left my whip at home, guys. I really am busy now. Please be quiet!
CATH: I need torment!
DEMO: I need torture!
NAN: I need a break!

The Iolausians hear the shouting of the bards and realize that Nanaea is making her escape. With a roar they follow her into the forest. She runs, dragging Iolaus with her, toward the Herculean Hot Tubs. Rushing into the first room, she spots MELITE with Hercules in tub #1. FREYA and TRILANI are standing off to the side waving a sign that says OUR TURN NEXT. Melite is ignoring them.

FRE: She can't do that!
TRI: That's right, she's had him long enough!

They start toward the hot tub, but run into Nanaea and Iolaus.

NAN: Ladies, ladies! What is going on here? Don't you know that you cannot fight over Hercules?

FRE: Why not?
NAN: It's in the rules, dear. The Herkites live in a kinder, gentler world. Only the Iolausians are allowed to be wild and wanton.
TRI: Unfair! We want our fair share...

Nanaea continues running through the different rooms in Herculean Hot Tubs, pulling Iolaus behind her. She finally makes it to the last room. It is not empty.

NAN: Astraea, what are you doing here alone?
AST: Who said anything about being alone? <giggles> Hades, stop that!
NAN: Good grief, how many people are in this room? <she surveys the Crowd> Juventas and Marcus, Zepgirl and Iphicles... <she breaks off at the sound of running feet> Hide us, quick!
CATH: At your bidding, Mystress!
DEMO: We are at your command!
NAN: Not you again!
IOL: How do I always end up in these situations? Where is a demi-god when you need him?
HELP!

The Iolausians catch up...

***THE END***
The Forum Family Wanders...Pt. 3 ***cont***

From: (Melite)
Date: 19 Jul 1996 10:55:34

NAN: Ladies, ladies! What is going on here? Don't you know that you cannot fight over Hercules?
FRE: Why not?
NAN: It's in the rules, dear. The Herkites live in a kinder, gentler world. Only the Iolausians are allowed to be wild and wanton.

///Melite: (Upon hearing this Melite stands up in the middle of the tub) "Uh, excuse me, Nanaea? While us HerKulettes aren't considered wild and wanton, there is a least one who is very 'hot and lusty' and who will do almost anything to get some quality time with the big guy! And who made up these rules anyway? Ha! I've always been known to break a few now and then..."///

TRI: Unfair! We want our fair share...

///Melite: Ok, ok, I will (crosses fingers behind her back, hey she's seen Astraea do it and it seems to work for her)
Freya: (seeing this) Hey you're not being fair about this. We're gonna tell the Queen.
Melite: You've *got* to be kidding!
HerK: (Melite and HerK look at each other, then back at Trilani and Freya) "Yeah, what she said."
Freya: "But that's not the rules..."
HerK: But *nothing*... (HerK and Melite look at each other again then back at T & F.)
Melite: Yeah, what he said. Look amazons, you're blowing steam here, why I've stood up to the Queen, and got away with it!"///

Nanaea continues running through the different rooms in Herculean Hot Tubs, pulling Iolaus behind her. She finally makes it to the last room. It is not empty.

NAN: Astraea, what are you doing here alone?
AST: Who said anything about being alone? <giggles> Hades, stop that!
NAN: Good grief, how many people are in this room? <she surveys the crowd> Juventas and Marcus, Zepgirl and Iphicles... <she breaks off at the sound of running feet> Hide us, quick!
CATH: At your bidding, Mystress!
DEMO: We are at your command!
NAN: Not you again!
IOL: How do I always end up in these situations? Where is a demi-god when you need him? HELP!

The Iolausians catch up...

///Melite, Trilani and Freya are still standing there discussing this sharing thing when...
Queen Apollena: Melite!
She gasps, turns around and sees Queen, CC Susabelle, and Sojourn enter the tub room.
Queen: What's this we hear about you not wanting to share?
Melite: Uh, well, I've been trying but my hormones have been raging lately and it's really difficult(hey, try going without so much as a date in 5 years and let's see how you act!)and well you know how much I care for HerK..."(she breaks out in a sweat and her knees start shaking)
HerK: (takes her arm from where he's sitting behind her, she turns around, he pulls her down so their faces are close and whispers) "Be strong in a world that's weak."
Melite: (straightens up, turns around, pulls back her shoulders) My dear Queen, all weekend long I don't even get to see him, and I share all week long, so when it comes to Friday night, I feel it's only fair for us to spend a few hours alone." (seeing the looks on their faces, her knees start shaking) (HerK reaches up, puts his hand on her back for moral strength) Besides he really enjoys our time together, how can we argue with him?"
HerK: (gets out of the tub, walks over to the Queen, gets down on one knee, takes her hand) My dear Queen Apollena, as always it's a pleasure to see you.(stands up, bends slightly, lightly kisses her hand, looks into her eyes.) I'm sure you can understand our situation, it would be alright if we had some time alone, wouldn't it?
Queen: (looking into those blue, blue eyes) Well, I guess it would be ok. As long as she behaves herself thru the week.
HerK: (gently caresses CC Susabelle's and Sojourns cheeks) Amazons you're looking especially beautiful tonight.(he winks at them)(whispers) See you soon. He walks back over to the tub, gently lifts Melite out and starts to walk out still carrying her)
HerK: Now let's find someplace where it's quiet.
Melite: How about the beach? Waves gently lapping, wind tickling our bodies, hmmmm, and you look so scrumpcious in moonlight...

The Forum Family Wanders...Pt. 4

From: (Nanaea)
Date: 18 Jul 1996 15:00:24

SCENE: Where we left off in Pt. 3, the Herculean Hot Tubs. At the bidding of their Mystress, CATHBAD and DEMOCRATUS have just hidden NANAEA and IOLAUS from a mob of irate Iolausians in hot pursuit, by shoving the two fugitives inside the broom closet and bravely flinging their own bodies against the door. From within the closet, we hear IOLAUS' muffled cries of "Heeeelllp!"

HEBEA (Skitters to a halt in front of CATH and DEM): Okay -- Where are they?

CATH: Who?
(From within closet, comes another faint from IOLAUS.)
HEBEA: What was that?
DEM: Nothing!
IOLAUS: Mmmmphfff!
HEBEA: Oh, NOTHING, eh? (She narrows her eyes at both CATH and DEM and starts to toy dangerously with her whip.)
CATH (His eyes focus on the whip and start to glaze over): Must... have... whipping!
DEM (Noticing that CATH is weakening. He seizes CATH by the collar and slaps him smartly across the face): Cathbad! Snap out of it!
IOLAUS: LEMME OUTTA THIS CLOSET! Nanaea -- Hands OFF!
HEBEA: Aha! I THOUGHT I heard something!
DEM: No! No! That's just me practicing my... ah... ventriloquism act! Yeah, that's it! There are so many parody writers taking over the Xena Forum nowadays, that I've gotta get me a new act! That's why I'm here in the Herc Forum! I'm... I'm... (DEM doesn't like the look that HEBEA is starting to give him.) I'm outta here!

DEMOCRATUS hauls heinie out of Herculand and heads back to the uncertain safety of the Xenaverse.

CATHBAD: YOU COWARD!!!

CATHBAD, alone now, faces the impending doom of HEBEA and her whip, as he continues to bravely bar her access to the door behind which NANAEA holds IOLAUS captive.
IOLAUS (muffled whine from behind door): Why does Astraea put me in these situations????

To be continued....
The Forum Family Wanders...Pt. 4 ***cont***

From: (Astraea)
Date: 18 Jul 1996 15:15:12

(Nanaea) writes:

IOLAUS (muffled whine from behind door): Why does Astraea put me in these situations????

SCENE: Back at those wonderful Herculean Hot Tubs... Salmoneous will be along with a commercial message later to extol the virtues of cleanliness!

Astraea and the invisible, but highly satisfied Hades are stilling sitting in the hot tub, watching Hebea threaten the bard.

AST: <to Iolaus> Dear, that will teach you to parade around in the blue speedo in front of all these obsessed women! <she narrows her eyes at Hebea and then lifts her hand>

Democratus reappears from Xenaverse in front on Hebea. He looks around frantically seeking an escape. Seeing no way out, he bravely throws himself into the mob of Iolausians.

DEMO: <screaming as they beat him> What joy! What bliss!

Cathbad, realizing that Democratus is having *way* too much fun, joins him. Hebea now has a clear shot at the closet where Nanaea has clamped her hand over Iolaus' mouth...

The Forum Family Wanders...Pt. 4 ***cont***

From: (Astraea)
Date: 18 Jul 1996 15:41:47

(Astraea) writes:

Astraea and the invisible, but highly satisfied Hades are stilling sitting in the hot tub, watching Hebea threaten the bard.

Stilling? Ye gods, what are we doing? Brewing the next batch of ambrosia? <LOL>

Democratus reappears from Xenaverse in front on Hebea.

Oh no! I think that I just qualified to take Princess and Melite's crown for the best "unintentional" double-entendre in the forum...

<ROTFL>

Astraea
The Goddess of Justice (who definitely has been typing too much on the forum today...;D)

The Forum Family Wanders...Pt. 4 ***cont***

From: (Nanaea)
Date: 18 Jul 1996 16:10:12

(Astraea) writes:
Democratus reappears from Xenaverse in front on Hebea.

Oh no! I think that I just qualified to take Princess and Melite's crown for the best "unintentional" double-entendre in the forum...

I may not know "who's on first?" but (thanks to you, Astraea) I now know who's on Hebea...

The Forum Family Wanders...Pt. 4 ***cont***

From: (Hebea)
Date: 18 Jul 1996 17:02:12

I can't stand it!! I've PMP's!!! I tried to get in on this but your all going too fast!! ROTFLMAO!
*******************************
I may not know "who's on first?" but (thanks to you, Astraea) I now know who's on Hebea...

-- Nanaea, Mystress of Myths
*******************************
Hebea: "uh...excuse me Democratus...I don't believe we've been properly introduced?"


Forum Family Wanders.... abridged

From: (DIANAC)
Date: 19 Jul 1996 20:12:11

Presented in Two Chunks ( this "chunk" parts 5 - 8)

THE FORUM FAMILY WANDERS....Part 5

From: (Princess)
Date: 18 Jul 1996 17:29:11

While DEMOCRATUS and CATHBAD are in Tarturus or is that torturous bliss?....PRINCESS HESIONE pops up in HerK Hot Tub #1 much to MELITE'S surprise. HERK blushes uncontrollably. MELITE stares in disbelief at PRINCESS.

MELITE: You were <gulp>down THERE the WHOLE time?????
PRINCESS simply smiles and pats HerK on the cheeks knowingly.
MELITE: But, how......is that......poss.....
PRINCESS: Hey, hon, I took your advice. I sat and rotated. In this place ANYTHING is possible!
PRINCESS (to Herk): Gotta run, Luv. Looks like I have some business to attend to. Keep my spot warm will ya?
HERCULES who still can't yet find his tongue, swallows hard and nods his head.
PRINCESS regally gets out of the tub and disappears out the back way.
CATHBAD (Getting the whipping he so craves): YES! I'm in LOVE!!!! MORE! MORE!
DEMO: Don't stop! Don't stop! I can't get enough!

Meanwhile, in the closet.....

IOLAUS: Iba saibad, lebe gommmmmhhhh!
NANAEA: HUSH!
Nan takes her hand off his mouth and kisses him to keep him quiet. (Yeah,
right! :>) Suddenly, a hidden door to the closet opens and they both look startled at the grinning PRINCESS. NANAEA bows in respect to her highness and IOLAUS kisses PRINCESS in obvious gratitude. PRINCESS grabs IOLAUS and tugs NANAEA out of the closet.

PRINCESS: Now, both of you.
PRINCESS shoves her cheerleader's pom-poms into IOLAUS' and NANAEA'S faces.

PRINCESS: Now get outta here! I hate having my spin with HERCULES interrupted! Don't worry about Astraea, I'll handle her.....but I can't say with the HCNBIFs.

NANAEA and IOLAUS, looking very grateful take off the back way hearing cracks and shouts from the front. PRINCESS nonchalantly returns to tub scene and stands before CATHBAD and DEMOCRATUS. On the floor, they slowly look up at her. Hand on her hip, and with a devilish grin, PRINCESS jerks the whip out of the hand of Hebea. CATHBAD turns deathly white then flushes beat red.

PRINCESS: MY TURN!!!!!!
PRINCESS cracks a mean leather strip across CATHBAD'S back.
CATHBAD: OH my Highness! AGAIN!!! This is an HONOR! I'M NOT WORTHY!
PRINCESS hands the whip over to HEBEA.
PRINCESS: Gee, sounds awfully quiet in there....(gesturing to the closet)

Everybody stops and listens. Realizing that no sounds came from the closet, the crowd of HCNBIFs pick up CATHBAD and DEMOCRATUS and dump them in the hot tub with ASTRAEA and HADES. Charging forward, they bust open the door to find an empty closet. Laughing to herself, PRINCESS returns to HERK'S side. MELITE, looking very angry jumps at her and starts pulling her hair.

PRINCESS displays nails and goes for MELITE'S face. FREYA and TRILANI start cheering.

FREYA: Who said the HERKITES were tamer and kinder?
PRINCESS: He's MINE! UGH!
MELITE: WRONG!!! I GOT HIM FIRST!!!! OUCH!
PRINCESS: HE NEVER WANTED YOU!!!!! <scratch!>
TRILANI: YEAH?! Why can't WE fight???

FREYA and TRILANI reach over the tub and pull MELITE'S hair. HERCULES slips out of the hot tub and makes his way out the back.

To be continued by......

From: (Astraea)
Date: 19 Jul 1996 05:23:03

(Princess) writes:

To be continued by......

There's my two dinars! This is great, Astraea! BTW, Welcome to our club!!!! LOL

<Astraea is seen pulling angrily on a rope which is attached to the MCA server - trying to pull it through her computer so she can strangle it to death> Oops, sorry, your Highness! <Astraea curtsies before the Princess> Thank you so much for granting me the honor of membership in your club...<LOLBTW, great continuance of the story! I had so much fun with this...<wicked grin> Now if you will please excuse me, I have a server to strangle. <Astraea returns to her tug-of-war>

Astraea
The Goddess of Justice (ye gods, this story has taken on a life of its own...;D)

The Forum Family Wanders...Part 6

From: (Nanaea)
Date: 18 Jul 1996 19:24:09

SCENE: Opens in the Herculean Hot Tubs, immediately where Princess left off in TFFW Part 5...

Suddenly, Rudeboy from the Xena Forum pops up in the tub, like a giant, rubber eel, right between Princess and Melite. Hercules glares at Rudeboy.

MELITE: Hey! Where'd YOU come from?
PRINCESS: S'okay, Melite. He was just over in Forum Family Wanders, Pt. 3 a little while ago. I think he's just curious to see what goes on around here.

Rudeboy leers at both Princess and Melite.

MELITE (slapping Rudeboy's hand away): That's not all he's curious about!

By now, Rudeboy has also noticed both Freya and Trilani in the tub. He smiles at them invitingly. Freya and Trilani cautiously move towards the far end of the tub. Hercules moves even further away.

NANAEA: Cathbad! These Xenites are starting to overrun our Forum -- and YOU'RE to blame for it! What have you got to say for yourself?

Cathbad is still on a hedonistic high from the whipping he just received from Hebea. He smiles dreamily at the leather-clad Forum Postmystress in the hopes that he's been naughty enough to merit some more of her... attention.

IOLAUS: Actually, I thought that Astraea was the one who started all this.

At that moment, Robinsnest, Callisto, Ishtar, Ceallach, Astraea, Kirby, and a multitude of non-speaking HCNBIF "extras" burst into the room. Iolaus turns pale and spins on his heels, dashing off with all the HCNBIFs in very hot pursuit.

NANAEA (sighs): Just wait till Saturday chat, Astraea. (Nanaea joins in the pursuit.)

The Forum Family Wanders...Part 6 ***cont***

From: (Juventas)
Date: 18 Jul 1996 22:32:16

Alright Girls and Boys...

I've decided to add my own two dinars worth... seeing it's already too late to reply to those other long past posts!!! <Juventas takes a long look at her fashionable, yet unworkable, nifty sundial attached to her wrist and frowns>

Be kind please... I'm new at this type of thing!! Cathbad, luv, ever thought of starting your own school for the smarty-pants-in-training?? <grin>

SCENE: Of course the Herculean Hot Tubs, just as a mad crowd of Iolausettes were seen kicking up a storm chasing after an exhausted and only half clothed Iolaus....

CALLISTO: Iolaus, hon... COME BACK!!! You do remember the great times we had at my past parties, don't you??
ISHTAR: <Her eyes wild, yanks Callisto back and takes the lead> C'mon babes!! I'll be the Keeper of YOUR Lore!!! <wicked grin>

A huffing and puffing Iolaus seems to lose his speed... dodging a number of different hot tubs surrounded throughout the area. A huge rumble makes the bubbling water in the tubs tip over the sides.... a giant crowd of screaming, kicking, chairing breaking, whip slashing, staff whacking HCNBIFs running close behind!!

ZEPGIRL: <Hugging closer to Ipichles> In the name of Zeus, what the Tartarus is going on!!!

Iolaus is in pursuit!! The great crowd rushing on by... various mini groups of hoolies breakingout all over the place!! "He's MINE!!! No, HE'S MINE!!" can be heard from all directions!!

IOLAUS: And I thought Herc was the one who got all the women!! <Huff, puff> Who am I kidding?!?

NANAEA and ASTRAEA seem to lose they speed as the trip on one another... tumbling like a Fafalel pretzel (If there was one!! <grin>) right into tub #3 on top of JUVENTAS and MARCUS!!

NANAEA: ASTRAEA!! Now look what you've done!! How am I EVER going to get even close to Iolaus NOW!!! <Her great hoolie smile appears on her face... Nan silently grabs for her weapon>

Meanwhile, HEBEA whipping any soul who dares to get in front of her, takes the ever-changing lead...

ASTRAEA (yells): <Realizing what's about to happen>..Look Nanaea... you bother me ONE MORE TIME <she slaps her fist against the water>, I'M GONNA TELL MY DADDY!!

ASTRAEA's scream seem to reach about a point seven on the Olympus scale... and the clouds in the sky begin to rumble and part....

JUVENTAS: <Soaking wet from her uninvited guests dropping in> Look my Goddess Sisters... I'm _sorry_ to interrupt, I mean, I should be the one upset..... NO ONE even thought about making their little Goddess of "Annoyed Adolescence" even THINK of speaking a word in this story..... <She sighs heavily> but, um... <She points to the sky above>

NANAEA, ASTRAEA, an astonished MARCUS and JUVENTAS look up to see a very angry Zeus entering the picture. Even the Iolausettes stop to see what’s going on!! A very badly beaten, but lusty looking CATHBAD and DEMOCRATUS stop their screaming. PRINCESS shows up in her blood stained cheerleader uniform with HERC tightly tucked under her arm, a group of exhausted and ruffed up group of HerKites all stop in wonder. Over the hill a bunch of wandering Xenites lead by an angry looking Xena, hurry to see what's the commotion...

ZEUS: ALRIGHT KIDS... <Glares at little JUVENTAS and ASTRAEA> WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?? <Mumbling to himself> Ye Gods... I leave for one minute for a cup of nectar and see what happens?! <sighs> WHO CALLED UPON ME?

Juventas looks over and points to her half sis Astraea with a smirk.

Everyone else seem to stand and wait for his next reaction...

ASTRAEA (In her sweetest voice): Hi Daddy...?

Will Zeus fire up his trusty bolt to stop the chaos?? Will Nanaea and Astraea ever find a way to stop those petty fights? Will the group of Iolausettes EVER learn to share in a society that even turns the peaceful HerKites into a wild hoolie? There are too many questions to be answered folks... let the forum story live on!!

The Forum Family Wanders...Part 6 ***cont***

From: (cathbad)
Date: 19 Jul 1996 07:08:55

(Nanaea) writes:
Suddenly, Rudeboy from the Xena Forum pops up in the tub, like a giant, rubber eel, right between Princess and Melite. Hercules glares at Rudeboy.

Uh, Hercules and glare in the same sentence? I don't know if I've seen him "glare" yet, he's just too dandy. Unless, you mean the glare from his buffed pecs .... ;-)

MELITE: Hey! Where'd YOU come from?

His parents were bored and ...

-- Cathbad, responding in the spirit of rudeboy 'cause he doesn't sign on 'til 12PM EST

The Forum Family Wanders...Part 6 ***cont***

From: (Nanaea)
Date: 19 Jul 1996 07:28:05

Uh oh! Do you mean to say that we're less than a couple of hours away from possible retaliation from the God o' Rude?

(Nanaea quickly dons her safety helmet and dives into her Hellenic thunderbolt shelter, dragging Iolaus in with her, of course...)

Forum Family Wanders...Part 7

From: (Kirby)
Date: 19 Jul 1996 01:15:20

And the saga continues...

Zeus: Astraea what's the meaning of all this?? You have a lot of explaining to do, young lady!
Nanaea: (aside to Astraea) Hahaha, you're in BIG trouble now. Serves you right.
Zeus: I heard that Nanaea. You don't even belong in this Pantheon, so get right out of here, or face the wrath of ZEUS!!
Nanaea: Yeah, yeah. All right, already. (Nanaea exits sullenly)
Zeus: (to Astraea) As for you young lady, go straight home to Mt. Olympus. I've had enough of your nonsense. There will be no more hoolies for you. You're grounded.
Astraea: (pouting) But, Daddy....
Zeus: That's enough. (muttering) All this nonsense over a mere mortal.

(Astraea reluctantly departs for home)

Meanwhile......

(Kirby not above cheating, has taken out the rest of the competition. Robinsnest is back in Sal's detox center. And it was so sad that Kirby had to flatten Ishtar, and what a ruckus when Kirby pushed Callisto down into that well. Oh Dear!)

Kirby: (finally catching up with Iolaus) Sweetie, finally you are all mine, mine, mine. We'll be together forever, my love!
Iolaus: Oh no, not again.....

To be continued....
Kirby
IIEE!!IIEE!!

THE FORUM FAMILY WANDERS...PART 7 ***cont***

From: (Michan)
Date: 19 Jul 1996 01:55:37

This picks up where Juventas left off.

SCENE: ZEUS is standing with many Amazons after being summoned by Astraea.

*************************************************

ASTRAEA: (In her sweetest voice):Hi Daddy...?
ZEUS: (pointing at Princess) You
PRINCESS: (looking around here) who me
ZEUS: Yes put my SON DOWN!!
PRINCESS: But but but
ZEUS: (gives Princess a intimidating glare) NNOOWWW!! (He says as the ground rumbles)
PRINCESS: (Sets Herc down and manages to squeak out)sorry
HERC: (Gets up and brushes himself off and take a few steps away) Thank you
ZEUS: Why did you call me Astraea
ASTRAEA: (looks down at the ground to avoid his glare) Because Nanaea was going to hurt me,(then with puppy dog eyes looks up)please do something, Don't let her.
ZEUS: Nanaea do not hurt Astraea.
NANAEA: O.K.
HERC: (looks over at the still quarrelling Amazons Freya, Princess, Melite, and Trilani) Ladies, ladies don't fight I am sure there is a reasonable way to solve this.
MELITE: I have an Idea. Lets have a contest.
TRILANI: Yeah a tournament.
PRINCESS: And the prize is the night with...
MELITE, TRILANI, PRINCESS, and FREYA:(all look at Herc and say in stereo)HERCULES!!!
HERC: Now wait a minu...
ZEUS: (cuts of Herc) that would be a great Idea.

Meanwhile...

IOLAUS: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HHHEEELLLPPP MMMEEE AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
HCNBIF:THERE HE IS GET HIM!!!
IOLAUS:(gets a little bit ahead of the large group and take a left by a tall watch tower, atop which Perkiles, Newton, and I sit drinking ale and watching the show below. Then Iolaus returns running backwards stepping in his old footprints and goes the other way.

The HCNBIF comes to this intersection and not seeing him stop to inspect the area and look for clues.

ROBINSNEST:(knees and examines the ground the Yells) HE WENT THAT WAY.

The HCNBIF picked up and took off to the left falling for Iolaus's little trick.

PERKILES: well that was interesting.
NEWTON: What time is it?
MICHAN: (looks at the sky and says it is around 4 o'clock.
NEWTON: couple more hours till dinner.
PERKILES: man these parties start early!

Soon the large pack of Iolaus obsessesed Amazons come trucking back look for the mostly naked Iolaus. but Iolaus has had a lot of time to flee and has encountered Salmoneus entering the city ready to party (and mabye get lucky). Iolaus cescribes his situation and it reminds him of the 50 princesses he had when they couldn't catch Herc (and he doesn't fail to mention this to Iolaus either). So Salmoneus agrees to hold them off until Iolaus can get away.

SALMONEUS: Quick get out of here before they catch up with you. OH and here take this (he reaches into his leather backpack and pulls out a green tunic) put it on, quickly.
IOLAUS: Thanks
SALMONEUS: see if fits great ....now if you could get Herc to wear one of these everyone would want one and I could sell them...what do you say?
IOLAUS: Bye Salmoneus (he says as he runs off)
The HCNBIF: (soon meets up with Salmonius and he not realizing the power of the Amazons and tries to stop them with mere force. And gets trampled by the mob of ravinous, Iolaus crazed, love drawn, Women.
IOLAUS: (turns down a small alley realizing that Salmoneus was not a great help. Soon he is again passing the tower on which we sit.
PERKILES: HEY IOLAUS quick, hide in that grove of bushes.
IOLAUS: Great, thanks but what if they find me?
NEWTON: Don't worry we will take care of them.

Iolaus dives into the bushes just as the band of women approach.

PERKILES: (yells at them) HEY LADIES LOOK UP (as they do Perkiles takes advantage and casts a spell to calm the women down. It works and Iolaus comes out of the bushes
IOLAUS: thanks
PERKILES: Don't thank me, run. The spell doesn't last that long. The last thing we see is the group walk down the street calmly to go join the party.

meanwhile...

CATHBAD and DEMOCRATUS: now that the whipping has stopped they are in a lot of pain but are still having fun for they are being bandaged (pampared) by many beautiful Amazons. ... (not that there are any Amazons that are not beautiful)

O.k. that’s mine it is someone else’s turn

The Forum Family Wanders...Pt. 8

From: (Astraea)
Date: 19 Jul 1996 09:35:29

SCENE: Yes, folks, we are still here at the Herculean Hot Tubs... This is going to be one clean crowd. Zeus has returned to Mt. Olympus, and semi-quiet has descended on the crowd.

Kirby has her arms around Iolaus. He is so exhausted that he can hardly stand. She thinks that she has eliminated her competition... The Princess is still holding on to Hercules, and smiling wickedly at the other HerKites in the room. Juventas is still in the hot tub with Marcus, looking very relieved that her dad wasn't mad at her.

Astraea reappears. A few seconds later, Nanaea reappears and the two bards immediately prostrate themselves before her again.

NAN: NO! NO! <She kicks the bards aside>
CATH & DEMO: <with glazed eyes and strange smiles> Yes, Mystress!
NAN: Astraea, how did you get back here?
AST: <smiling> It's always nice to have family who love you. Hades! Thank you, dear. Dad usually listens to you.
HAD: I'm was glad to help since you had returned my helmet to me. <reaches up to slide the helmet onto his head> Wait a minute! Where is my helmet?
<searches around himself frantically> Astraea!
AST: I didn't take it! <looks around the room quickly> Hey, Kirby, where is Iolaus?
KIR: <startled> He was here just a minute ago!

Salmoneous enters the room followed by Falafel. Both of them have been running hard.

SAL: <after hearing that Iolaus and the helmet are missing> She's up to her old tricks! Robinsnest has escaped again, and she is on the loose.
AST: Well, the HCNBIFs will be after them in a moment. Hebea is probably already out there now... <she jumps as a roar escapes the surviving Iolausians and they rush the door> Poor Iolaus!

Juventas has been cowering in her hot tub, hoping to escape notice. Astraea
now turns menacingly toward her little sister.

AST: <frowning> Tattletale! You could have just blamed it all on Nanaea.
NAN: Hey! I have enough problems with these bards following me around.
CATH & DEMO: Punish us, Mystress!
NAN: Where's Rudeboy when I need him? <she suddenly looks panicked and dons a safety helmet>
JUV: <apologetically> Sis, I really had to think fast. Dad didn't know that I was spending time with Marcus. He might not be too happy about that since, after all, I am scheduled to marry Hercules later...ooops! Sorry! I didn't mean to give that away!
PRIN: <frowning> What do you mean, marry Herk?

The HerKites begin to crowd toward the hot tub containing Juventas and Marcus. Suddenly Hebea appears, whip in hand.

HEB: <confused lookI thought that I was supposed to marry HerK?
JUV: I've been meaning to talk to you about that...

The angry murmurs of the mob begin to grow in volume. Astraea, Nanaea, Juventas, and Hebea look at each other in alarm.

AST: Ladies, I think we may have started something that is about to get out-of-hand. Let's get out of here!
NAN: Where did Michan say that he, Perikles, and Newton would be?
JUV: I think the last time I heard them talking in this parody, they were on that watch tower.
ALL: Let's go!

The goddesses and their escorts vanish from sight. The HerKites are confused at first, but Hercules is still in the room and they are soon engrossed in their admiration of the demi-god. Hercules mutters sarcastic comments about his father's dumb ideas...

Postscript: The Goddess of Justice reads with disbelief the continuing saga of the Forum Family...she rolls on the floor with laughter!

AST: <trying to frown> Ask

The Forum Family Wanders...Pt. 8 ***cont***

From: (Astraea)
Date: 19 Jul 1996 09:41:20

Where I was so rudely interrupted by my application:
>>>snip<<<<
AST: <trying to frown> Ask for a few comments, and you get a mass invasion!

The Forum Family Wanders...Pt. 8 ***cont***

From: (Juventas)
Date: 19 Jul 1996 12:37:09

Oh, Astraea!!

I LOVE it!!

Okay... I'm gonna have another go at it again!! Again, please be kind!!
<Juventas gets down on her knees>

You think soon I'll be ready for my own post?! <grin>

SCENE: Astraea, Nanaea, Juventas and Hebea race to the watch tower to find that sneaky Robinsnest, Iolaus and Hades' helmet. The crowd of "Ooooohing" and "Ahhhhing" Herkites, now peaceful from the appearance of Zeus, crowd together in a single hot tub pawing over their demi-god. A frantic crowd of crazy Iolausettes seem to spilt up everywhere searching the area for, of course, Iolaus.

CATHBAD (At the top of the watch tower): <Turns to a very attentive NEWTON and PERIKLES> So there we were... <His eyes seem to glaze over the naughty Mystress of Myths slashing our flesh with her trusty whip... Over and over and OVER... <He seems to relive the moment in his own little fantasy>

DEMOCRATUS: <Adds to their drooling listeners> And the gorgeous Goddess Hebea!! That evil look in her eyes!! The way her arm moved with such force at the crack of that whip!!! The way her chest seemed to--

HEBEA (Her face turning red, as she reaches the top of the tower):
AHEM... <grits her teeth> WHAT about MY chest?!!?! <She grips her whip tighter>

CATH & DEMO: Oh, dear Goddess!!! <Their eyes light up> It seems we've angered you!!! On with the sacrifice!!! <They bare their flesh> ...Whip us!! Whip us, Hebea!! We mere mortals deserve it!!!!!

NANAEA: <Hands on her hips> Oh, please!! Go "sacrifice" yourself somewhere else... <She sighs> Can't you see we've got business to do?!

Cathbad and Democratus go on with their begging... a stubborn Nanaea pushes them aside. They turn to Astraea and Juventas with hopeful eyes, and the two Goddesses step away in fear of getting mauled. Perikles and Newton hold their smirks and giggles as they watch the two fantasized Hunters grab hold of Hebea's legs.

ASTRAEA: Alright, listen up my sisters!! And you too, ya little tattletale... <growls at Juventas> We've GOT to find that helmet!! You know how upset my uncle's gonna be when he finds out Robinsnest has it?! <She sighs heavily> Just after I got that blasted dog back and everything...

HEBEA: <Kicking Cath & Demo off her legs, smacking them each with a quick whack of her trusty staff. They hit the ground with a quivered sigh> That reminds me, my little Goddess of "AA"... <She takes her fighting stance> What were you saying about MY hubbie HerK??

Her battle aura growing, she moves to take a quick swing at Juventas' middle. Perikles slips under the staff, his eyes dancing, while Juventas takes cover!!

PERIKLES: Goddess of AA?! Sister, have I got a deal for YOU!! <Putting on his best sales pitch voiceWhy... my center for Ambrosia Alcoholics will have you in tip top shape in no time!! <Plasters a smile> Our facilities have wonderful therapy classes, the most delicious food, a a seaside view, and you'll be out sooner than you can say "Hey! I don't crave that delicious Ambrosia wine of the Gods anymore!! I'd rather have a Pepsi!!" Remember... it WILL work!! I'm not only the President, but a very well dressed guy!!

Juventas groans, slapping her hand over her eyes. They're interrupted by the wild screams of a small group of HCNBIFs!! Crazed girls seem to run from all directions to see what's going on!!

JUVENTAS: Ye Gods!!! <Her mouth drops open> Are YOU guys seeing what I am?!

ASTRAEA: <Leans over the side of the tower> Is THAT IOLAUS?!?!
<HEBEA, ASTRAEA and NANAEA all seem to get excited>

There, on the outskirts of the forest, ran a red faced Iolaus streaking by the crowd of wild Iolausettes!!! Close behind were a floating pair of blue speedo thingies, moving swiftly back and forth through the air!!! Everyone in the watch tower scrambled down to join the mad chase!!!

JUVENTAS (Yells): Robinsnest is the one using Hades' helmet!! She's the one chasing after him with Iolaus' only clothes!!! <She giggles, now knowing what's happened>

Astraea, Nanea, Hebea and Juventas try to catch up with the giant crowd of screaming, wild, hair pulling, tripping, kicking HCNBIFs as they run after a very wicked Robinsnest (who only looks like a pair of blue shorts) who's chasing after a naked Iolaus!!!

What'll happen next?! Will Hades ever get that helmet back?! Will Iolaus ever get his clothes or feel the wrath of those wild HCNBIFs?! I tried my best folks!! Let the story live on... <LOL>!!